That works!

So I already talked about that decision I made that I didn't know how it would turn out. Well, it definitely didn't turn out the way I expected it to. Not at all. It was very very close to working out perfectly but then of course something went wrong at the last minute so none of it worked out at all. Then someone else made the whole thing very complicated to where I was just plain annoyed. So as I vented to someone else about it, something completely different happened that was equally if not more (actually definitely more) advantageous.
It is funny how cause and effect works. The result of one thing can throw something else into something you completely don't expect! I think I enjoy the unexpected more than the expected now. I mean, why spend all of your time trying to arrange things to happen when surprises are so much better? I think it is time for me to reevaluate myself and possibly get rid of some of my obsessive everything has to be in order at the right time in place disorder. Is there a shorter name for that?

Wish I knew the future

But of course, I don't. I think it is funny how I find my mind working. I want one thing, so I do something completely not even close to that thing that I think will eventually get me back to the thing I want. If everything works out the way it is supposed to. BIG if. But the thing is, I plan out everything! I can be an impulsive person at times, but generally, I know exactly when and where and why and how I am going to do something. So when I come up with some genius plan to somehow get me closer to what I want, I go for it, with an idea in my head of exactly how things will go.
Now for once, I am thinking ahead of time of the consequences. And actually writing them down instead of just pushing them out of my head, only for them to return and say "I told you so!" Bad things could come from this. I could lose a friend. More than one. I could regret it. I could think I was stupid. I could once again find myself asking myself why I do the things I do. But than again, I could also feel really great about what I did. I could not regret it at all. It could work out the way I want it to. I could come out of it unscathed. I feel like this time, the chances are truly 50/50.
I know, in the past, I have done these things and complained and whined and groaned about how dumb I am, and here I am again, doing something i am iffy about. But this one is different. haha, classic line! But really. A lot of the factors are much different, and much more in my favor. So I actually feel pretty good about this. I'm confident things will be okay, and if something goes wrong, I doubt it will cause any terrible lasting effect!

You know what I hate...

I hate decisions. I hate stupid decisions. And I hate when I'm the one who makes them. Why do I keep setting myself up for disappointment?! I am so dang stupid. Time after time, I KNOW what the outcome is going to be, and yet, I just keep thinking that maybe this time things will be different. Maybe this person will say this and surprise me. Maybe this will happen. Maybe...but probably not. And it never goes the way I would like it to. And I know that it won't!!! And yet, I keep doing it again and again. Will this be the last time I do this? Probably not.
And I think about it all the time. How frustrating. How are you supposed to avoid something that you think about practically 24/7? You would think that sleeping would help, but unfortunately, my sleeping has been altered because I CAN'T sleep. Do you know why? Guess. Yep. Because I'm thinking about it. And when I do fall asleep, as soon as I wake up, I think about it. Truly. First thing I think of when I wake up is stupid decisions. What a great way to start and end every single day.
I would go to bed, but what is the point? I'll lay awake for an hour thinking and wishing and regretting.

I have decided

I am going to write a book. Trust me. This isn't the first time I have decided this, and I don't really expect it to end better than all the other times, but hey, at least i'm trying right? Anyways. I got inspired by my best friend and basically the rest of the world. Everyone knows about 2012. I personally don't believe the world is going to end, but a lot of people do. And she was saying that if she really thought the world was going to end then she would go ahead and buy the car she really wants because the world would end before she paid the whole thing off.
And then she said "and if the world didn't end, I would just shoot myself." and then i said "That is such a good idea!!" So of course she and her sister thought I meant that shooting yourself was a good idea. I am not a morbid person! But it inspired me to write a book based on a person who decided to just live it up a year and then kill her/himself at the end. I'm sure I won't ever really write the whole thing, but I like getting ideas!
So maybe I should start. That's always my problem. I just don't know where to start. but I am going to figure it out.