Yes!

Today, I made my own decisions. Not that I don't usually, but I think my problem in the past has been I've been making decisions because of things I hear, things I've seen in movies, or read in books. Well, my life doesn't ever work out the way those do, and I don't need to live like that. Yesterday, I did something irrational and stupid. It made me lose one of my best friends. First, I was fine with it. Two hours later, I realized I was a real dummy. I thought about it, and decided I should wait about a month before approaching that person again. Give it time to settle, and so that they wouldn't think I was desperate.
Then, a few hours later, I realized that was practically the most idiotic notion I've ever had. Why, if I was already unhappy, would I let it go a month before I decided to finally say how I really felt? So after sleeping on it, I decided to just go for it. So, since I wasn't ever able to talk to them in person, and not being able to wait any long, I sent a five text message long explanation of how I felt. How I had realized I was being stupid, and how I wanted things to go back to the way they were.
My friend was completely understanding. There was no need to go into any specifics on what the issue was and they didn't question me at all about why I had changed. They just believed me. And that is how I know this person is a great friend that I hope to have in my life a long time. Because a good friend is always ready to take you back. And they don't need a month.
I'm just really happy that I just said what I needed to say. It makes me happy that I know I have the ability to speak, even when I'm afraid of the outcome. I don't need anyone's approval, and I don't always need to know what is going to happen because of what I say or do. It wasn't exactly an impulsive thing. More of a planned impulse I suppose. And it was oh so worth it.

I need a map

Because I am lost. So very very lost. My decision making skills seem to have completely abandoned me, leaving me with nothing. Of course, decisions still come my way, whether my brain is working or not, so needless to say, I haven't been making the best choices lately. So now, as I'm trying to sort out my life and fall asleep at the same time, I find myself thinking back on all the things that have happened recently. So much.
I'm in a fight with one of my best friends. For some reason, I'm not talking to another. One asked me for advice, and needless to say, its not really the best time for that. I have felt empty recently. Like for some reason I CANT be happy. I don't know why. I realized that I needed to seek some help from God, and I've really been trying, but I find myself feeling that that is hopeless too. Now I don't even feel like I am making sense.
I don't know what I need or what will help. I certainly can't trust myself to think of a solution. Who knows what I would end up with! But I am just going to try to live each day with an open mind. Try to let my smile be real and not fake. Let simple things make me happy. Maybe I'm looking too hard for happiness.

It's not a pity party!!!

I have this issue. I wouldn't call myself the type of person who complains a lot, but I do feel the need to tell someone my problems when I have them. I don't think I need to tell everyone I see about all the issues in my life, but I do like to be able to vent and get it all out. The problem is, I don't want the person who is listening to my problems think that I am just throwing a pity party. I'm not looking for pity, I swear! I just need someone to listen! Even pretending to listen generally works! An occasional uhuh, and yep, i understand is okay with me! I just like to be able to get out my thoughts and feelings without talking to myself and coming out sounding insane!
So how do I talk about my problems without seeming like I am searching for sympathy and pity? I just don't know. Maybe it is something I will have to perfect. But in theory, that would mean that I would have to have a lot of problems to talk about, which doesn't really sound all that appealing. Hmmm... I just don't want to have to keep all my feelings bottled up. That is how people end up getting really upset and doing irrational things. And I definitely don't want to be that person!

Ouch.

I know that nearly everyone has that moment in their life when they step back and realize that they need God in their life. I personally have had that happen more than once, but this time, it hit me hard. And all at once. All it took was one friend tell me that they shouldn't be bothering me with their problems because I have enough of my own. It was then that I saw that I've been slipping. I hit a few (alot) of bumps in the road and it seemed like they all appeared at once. And I fell. I tripped and stumbled over all of them, and I didn't even bother try to find someone to help me through. So what happened?
I detached myself from everything else
Today, I know for a fact I said that I hated my life at least 20 times
I started being rude to my family
I lost hope that things would get better
I stopped being there for my friends
I started not caring about things that were important
I thought everything was about me
I didn't think I needed any help
I didn't want to make it through
I wanted to stay on the ground where I was and feel sorry for myself
But just now, five minutes ago, I realized this is wrong
What was I thinking?
I need forgiveness.
I need mercy.
I need help.
I need strength.
I need hope.
I need God.
Thats it.
I just need God.
How could I ever actually think I could do this by myself? I have been so neglectful to everything! Sure, I have been smiling and being nice when absolutely necessary, but it's been a lie! I don't want to have to fake a good attitude. I want to be genuine. And the only way I can get there is if I have God to help me. I'm so sick of thinking I am the only one with problems. Of course I'm not. EVERYONE has problems, and mine are so small! For some crazy reason though, God still cares, and I know that. I can't believe it took me so long to figure this out.
Spite isn't going to help
Revenge isn't going to help
Feeling sorry for myself isn't going to help
Acting like I don't care isn't going to help
God is going to help.
And I know that now.
I think tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Because instead of feeling alone, i am going to feel safe.
And I am going to be a better friend than I have been.
I'm going to be a better daughter, and a better sister
I'm going to stop saying I hate my life.
Because I don't.
I just thought I did.
When really, I just hated the way I was choosing to live it.

Finally!

I know I shouldn't be so pleased. I know I should be feeling disappointed. I know I should be ashamed of myself. But I'm not. I'm proud! I FINALLY got away from all the expectations that people have set from me. Well, maybe not all of them, but I at least tore away from one. My parents of course assume I am a genius and can handle all the hard classes because my sister did. Well I can't. Well I could, but as previously mentioned, I honestly don't want to push myself that hard. So I did it! I dropped my Honors class! Why this is so amazing? It is hard to explain. I am used to living my life according to what people want me to do. I made myself who people thought I was. But I am NOT that person! And even though I am moving down, I don't care. I am not walking that perfect line that everyone wants me to! I am making a decision for myself! Sure, my parents have to sign the paper saying it is okay for my to move to the average class instead of the smart kids class, but still, I decided to! I made that step! I was brave enough to face my parents and tell them that I CAN'T do everything they expect me to.
And they were okay with it.
They weren't mad
They weren't judgemental
They didn't even put up a fight
They accepted it
Like I think I always knew they would
But I was afraid to find out for sure
And now I did
And no, this doesn't mean i am going to start slacking to see how far I can push this whole acceptance thing. I am not going to stop trying my best. I am still going to strive for good grades, but I will be getting those good grades in a class I am comfortable in. A class that I don't feel will leave me stressed every day. You know why?
Because i DON'T have to go to a fancy college
I DON'T have to be just like my sister
I DON'T have to live by anyone's standards but my own
And today, for the first time, I proved that to myself.

Boy am I stupid.

• What the heck was I thinking? How dumb could I be? Did I really honestly think that something like that would ever actually work out? How many obvious things could there be to show me what a bad decision I was making? How is it possible that I ignored every single one of them? Because I was selfish! And then my freaking selfishness back fired because of course all the signs that said it was a bad idea were right. And everything came crashing down at once and now I'm upset but there is nothing I can do about it and no one I can talk to about it because even my friends said it was a bad idea. And I didn't listen. Because I was too hung up on what I wanted. I wanted the unattainable and I got it, even though it was still unattainable, really it was just rented. Then the unattainable went back to being 100 percent unattainable and the whole situation just sucks. It sucks I tell you. I hate it. I hate everything.