Once Again

Nothing Again.

But what kind of writer would I be if I skipped a day?

I was walking down a beaten path
It was dirty, dusty and dry
It seemed to groan with my every step
Like a too often used sigh
My foot was struck by a rock
And it immediately brought to mind
A day that wasn't good to me
But not the only of it's kind
It was that of a yesterday
And a terrible one at that
Just like the rock below me
It was ugly, deserted and flat
Then another thing caught my eye
A crinkled leaf lie there
When stepped upon it crumbled
But it didn't seem to care
I thought of the present day
Just there, not alive
And just like the crumbled leaf
It lay with now chance to strive
But suddenly out of no where
A little bloom peeked out
I could almost see it smile
It was open and free of doubt
So with that image in my mind
I gave yesterday a powerful kick
It flew down the path far away
It was gone just like that, so quick
A little breeze picked up
And today's pieces suddenly lifted
They didn't put up a fight
and the away the leaf slowly drifted
So then I continued my walk
Forgetting yesterday and today's sorrow
And just like my little flower
I had the hope of a better tomorrow

So close, yet so far

Boy am I annoyed. Or perhaps frustrated. Exhausted? Sick of trying? All of the above. I now understand what people mean when they say long distance relationships are hard. Only I am just trying to keep up a friendship. Two actually. Here is story number one:
My friend moved to Colorado. That was that. At first, my friend (who lives in Kingman) agreed that we really needed to be there for her when she first moved but after that we would probably slowly let go. That worked out fine for my friend, the two of them barely speak anymore. Me? Not so much. I'm still friends with her. Practically everyday is a struggle though. Whenever I call, I automatically have to endure at least fifteen minutes of her talking about her "Colorado friends" and what she and her "Colorado Best Friend" did and all the things that make her happy she lives in Colorado. When she is done, you would expect that next would come my turn to tell my stories, but no. Talking about where I live is completely against the rules. That makes her too homesick. That makes her sad, and mad at me for bringing it up. So then I get angry, because why should I have to listen to her go on? So I'm still friends with her, but sometimes, I wish I wasn't. I think it would be easier not to go through the constant fighting and making up. But then, I know I would miss her if I let go. Time for story number two.
My best friend and I have been friends for two years, but on multiple occasions I have felt that she wasn't really the best friend to have. Not in a "you do drugs I probably shouldn't hang around you" way, but more in a "why can't you be more loyal and there for me" way. Problem is, when I get mad at her, she normally doesn't even know it. I can't talk to her about it because she just doesn't get it. She never understands why I would be mad, and always has some story to back herself up. Whether her stories are the truth or not, I know I will never know. And we will go days and days without talking. I will assume she was busy and that is why she didn't make any effort to contact me when I tried hard to get ahold of her. (that is impossible now however being as her phone is cut off and her cell phone is lost). But then I hear about all the things she did with people who are barely even her friends. And I wonder, why couldn't she have called me? Am I being obsessive? I don't really think so. Were supposed to be best friends.
So sometimes I just realize that it is almost harder to stay friends with the person who lives in the same town as me than it is to stay close to the friend who lives in Colorado. I mean, she is so close, but I feel as though she is drifting away from ME. And my Colorado girl, she is so far away, but I know that if I need her she is only a phone call away and would always understand me and listen to me. Even if she was mad, she would forget about it and be there for me. I just don't know if I can count on that in my in town friend.

Trust Me

Why is trust so hard to earn yet so easy to lose? I don't really have a problem in this area but sometimes I wonder what would happen if I did. Honestly, I've never done anything that would constitute for my parents to stop trusting me. I tell them what I am up to, where I am, and who I am hanging out with. And I don't lie about it. Because I don't feel like I have to. They trust me, so they let me do basically whatever I want within reason. They are super reasonable about letting me stay out later than my already arranged curfew, all I have to do is ask. And I love it. But then, I also wonder what would happen if just once I did something wrong.
Would they flip out? Would one act against my better judgment cause them to lose their trust for me altogether? Would it depend on the size of the offense? What if it was something small like staying later where I was and not calling to make sure it was okay because I knew they were sleeping and wouldn't know the difference? Would they be really angry if they did find out? Even it I was truly just where I said I was only past when I was supposed to be home? I feel like that wouldn't be too big of a deal but they would still be disappointed in me.
But what if it was something huge? Like my friend and I took my car and went somewhere after they were asleep? What if they woke up and found my car and us gone? I'm pretty sure I would be in trouble for forever and they would never let me do anything ever again. Or at least for a very long time. They would probably take away privileges and anything else they could think of. But really, is that anywhere close to fair?
I understand that trust isn't one of those things that you build up and each time you do something wrong you lose a little but still have some. Nope, one thing and it is all gone. Or maybe that is just in the case of good kids. Kids that their parents aren't used to having to punish. I wonder if I was the kind of child who disobeyed them all the time and did stuff behind their backs all the time, if they would be more used to it, and I would be given more than one chance.
Luckily, I really don't have to do more than just ponder about this issue. I'm glad to have built up the trust with my parents that they let me do what I want. I cannot say how much I value that. I don't plan on blowing that kind of novelty any time soon, but I just can't help but think, what would happen if I did?

Just a little something

No thoughts today. Just a little poem I wrote

So I Stood Between Two Bridges

So I stood between two bridges
Both too long to see the end
One was beautiful and perfect
The other welcomed me as a friend
But upon closer inspection of both
Neither was what it seemed
Yet both appeared to hold parts
Of all I'd ever dreamed
One was gorgeous as stated
Or maybe too good to be true
It didn't present challenge
Nor did it present anything new
The other was familiar and friendly
Though I saw the possibility of pain
I felt as though by the end
Something good would be gained
But the other was so easy
Simplicity has its appeal
The other held things I dreaded
Feelings I didn't want to feel
Which way to go Which things to face
Which path was the right to choose?
I felt there was no easy way out
No walk that held nothing to lose
Wait, what if I didn't choose?
Was that a possible way?
I could continue my journey onward
The effects were impossible say
So I stood between two bridges
But this time I saw another track
I took a step forward, then another
No regrets, and no looking back

Judges and Grudges

I have recently come to the realization that I am a hypocrite. I hate to say it, but it is true. Two things I cannot stand at all. Judges and grudges. Two things I am terrible about. Judging people and holding grudges against people. How did I go so long without realizing how double standard that is?
I'm not going to lie. I met someone a really long time ago and did not like her. But we were both immature and stupid. I judged her based on things she said and did that annoyed me, and decided i despised her. Then she came to my school and still holding on the those judgments, I refused to be her friend. I know. It's terrible. Anyways, since no one really liked her in the one year she attended our school, she didn't come back the next year, so i didn't see her much. When I saw her at youth every now and then I just tried to avoid her as much as possible.
Once though, she approached me and said she wanted to start over. She wanted to forget the past and be my friend. Problem was, I didn't really want to be her friend. But I was willing to forgive her, and apologize for my wrong doing. So that was that and the past was the past. The next week when I saw her she came up and was being all buddy buddy with me. I smiled and acted nice, but in my head I was asking myself why the heck she was acting like she was my best friend. Oh right. Because she actually did forget what happened. She let go of her judgments and if she was holding any grudges, she got rid of them. But I hadn't.
She stopped coming to youth every week and I really didn't see her much at all anymore. So i gradually forgot about all that had gone on between us. Then, recently, she was in the same play as me. From the second she walked in I was annoyed with her. Her voice annoyed me, her mannerism annoyed me, the fact that she got the part i wanted annoyed me. But when I was talking about it to someone, I stated that I couldn't really pin point what was wrong with her. But now I know.
Even though I can't even remember why I used to dislike her so much, somewhere in my heart and brain, I still do. I still judge everything she does based on how immature we were when we first met. But that is so unfair and I know it. People change and grow up. That I am positive of. Because the mother of one of my friends actually dislikes me for something I did years ago. She stated once to her daughter that she didn't want to have someone that she didn't even like in her home. That someone was me. And it made me feel absolutely terrible. So then, how terrible must it make this girl feel when I am constantly cold towards her and rude when she has put in every effort to make things right?
I want to be nicer to her. And I am going to work on it. I am going to pray and ask God to help me find a way to dig deep and forgive and forget everything. Because she doesn't deserve to be treated that way and I know it. And there is nothing worse than knowing your hurting someone for no reason and continuing to do it.

Money Money Money

I find myself wondering why I worry so much about what other people are doing. And I wonder why it matters so much to me how they spend their money. First of all, I know it is none of my business, and second of all, I'm sure I have better things to worry about! Money management is something that is very important to me. I have been taught the values of saving my money and earning what I get. I also understand that not everyone has this quality. Like one of my close friends for instance.
She is a spender. Boy is she is a spender. She got a check from work for 280 dollars and within three hours had spend over a hundred of it. One day later, she was down to twenty. It would have been fourty but I made her stow away twenty in her car for when she needed gas because I knew otherwise she would spend it! It bothers me to such an incredible amount that I actually get angry and sometimes yell at her.
The thing is, she doesn't spend it all on herself. She bought me a pedicure (which no matter how much she says I don't have to, I am GOING to pay her back) She bought her mom three shirts, she bought some of her coworkers Powerades and brought them to her work. She got her stepdad a cold drink because he was outside in the sun working. She probably spend over fifty percent of her money on other people. And she loves it.
So then I wonder, am I a bad person because I save up my money for things I want in the future instead of spending it today on things for other people? Is it wrong that I don't particularly want to buy people things? And, am I an incredibly horrible human being from discouraging her to do this? Well I know the answer to my last question. Yes.
It is not my problem how she chooses to spend her money. It is not my businesses who she wants to give it to. And yet, I can't help but clench my teeth a little. I can't stop myself from giving her a disapproving look, and I can't keep the thought that she is blowing all of her money pointlessly way to fast out of my mind. I should consider her to be a very special person. I mean, how great is it that she has such a giving spirit? I should respect the way she spends her money, not scowl about it!
I could try to do the same thing, but honestly, I don't want to. I want to not spend more than a few dollars here and there, and I want to save up my money. I want to pay people back for things and I expect to be paid back. It is amazing how controversial money can be. I have to not let it get in the way of my life though. I will deal with it how I want, and I am going to try my best to not care about how others choose to deal with it.

Stop assuming.

I am so sick of people assuming things. Like my mother. She tells me that I am bored in school, and I need to challenge myself. How does SHE know? I think the problem is that everyone thinks they can "safely assume" things. Why would they think that? You don't have any reason to safely assume that I am bored in school. Sure, some subjects are easy for me, because I enjoy them. History? The material may be boring but I'm sure not bored out of lack of something to do! Science? Completely interesting! And incredibly hard for me to understand! I'm not bored in that class! Math sure isn't boring! I have to pay close attention to get the grades I do. Sure, English is easy, and I could use a challenge there. But just because I get good grades doesn't mean I don't try.
I don't expect to be congratulated for every good grade I get, but I don't want it to be expected of me. I don't want everyone to assume that school is easy for me and I'm a genius. Because I'm not. I work hard for the grades I get. I don't just slide by and get As. I try for them. I do all the extra credit. I pay attention in class. Put me in harder classes, yeah, I will work harder because I will have to. Am I capable of getting the same grades? Honestly, I don't know. It sucks when you realize you aren't as smart as everyone thinks you are. It also sucks when nobody understands. Maybe, if people looked at other factors other than the grades on the paper. I just wish they looked past the As and saw the work behind them.
I don't want to get good grades and my parents say, well of course you did. I don't want to get a 100 on a hard test and my friends say, I'm not surprised. I don't want you to care about the grade, I want you to care about how hard I worked to get it. They just assume that you're great, and it is so unfair. Stop assuming! Because eventually I'm going to surprise you. You're not going to like it either. Just wait till I come home because I failed a test because I didn't have time to study. And when I tell you that, maybe you will realize that it all doesn't come as easily to me as you think.

Perfection

Is it right to strive for perfection? I've recently been wondering if it is actually pointless to reach for what you know is unattainable. We hear all the time how nobody is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. Why then, do we do everything in our power to be perfect? I understand the need to try to improve yourself and do your best, but is there ever a time where it is okay to just sit back and be happy? Would life be more enjoyable if you were just content with yourself for a while? Is it okay to 'take a break' from being the best you can be? I'm not saying you should slack off, but everyone knows where they are comfortable and how far they go before pushing themselves off the edge. Should we always be trying to make that line further and further?
We all have our strong points in school and specific talents. Is it acceptable to just focus on one of them? What if I want to really focus on history, and I'm no good at science? Is it okay for me to put all of my efforts toward history, and possibly slip a bit in science? Or do you have to be smart enough to know how much you devote to one subject without falling behind in another? And what if you don't want to excel as far ahead as others may expect you to? Like taking AP classes as apposed to regular classes. You may be perfectly comfortable in the regular class. It may even be a bit easy for you. Is it okay to rest and take that? Or do you have to push yourself? What if you know you could achieve good grades in the higher classes but you don't want to work that hard? Would that be considered lazy? Or would you just be taking a break?
I don't believe perfect is something I will ever be. I know I won't ever be close to it. Sometimes I wonder if it is actually worth it to try to be.

Is It Worth It?

Where does telling someone something go from simply telling someone something to gossiping? When it turns into a conversation not about yourself? When opinions and speculations are added to the facts? When does it become backstabbing? When you start telling more than you were technically supposed to? Do technicalities count when it comes to friends? Does friend closeness come into play when you are determining whether you can tell someone something or not? Are you required to put yourself in the shoes of the one who's secret you are blowing? Is it okay to assume that since they told you and told you not to tell that you can tell someone else as long as they don't tell? What if you ARE the one who originally told the secret? Who do you get mad at? The one who is first in line? Are you at right to be angry with everyone else who knows? Is it your own fault for trusting someone with your business that had no business knowing your business? Is it wrong to trust this person with another secret? Or is it wrong not to give them a second chance? When do second chances end? After all, three times a charm, why do people only get two chances? Is it right to expect a second chance? It is okay to be upset if you aren't given one? Or is it what you deserve? Does it depend on the severity of the reason your first chance was ruined?

Is doing the easier thing sometimes better than doing the right thing when it comes to your own personal life? What if you have a friend who you know talks about you behind your back and you know don't treat you the way you should? What if deep down you know you should confront them but you also want to be their friend? Or are you just afraid of the conflict that could arise with the confrontation? Is this putting the simpler things before your own self worth? Is that something that you should be compromised? Shouldn't you be doing everything to preserve your self worth and making sure you don't lose sight of it? Or is this and instance where you have to remind yourself that it isn't all about you? Is it about you though? Are you responsible for protecting yourself? Can you expect anyone else to? Would you want them to if they could? Or would you think they were just getting too involved in your life. In the end you are responsible for yourself right? No prince charming is going to come protect you right? What if your prince charming is the one who puts you down? Is this something that can be fixed? Are they really your prince charming? Are they worth it?

Is that always the end question? Are they worth it? Is that worth it? Is it worth telling my friend this secret if it ends up getting me in trouble with another friend? Is it worth staying this person's friend even though I know when I turn around they are my worst enemy? Is it worth holding onto even though I know in any moment It could fall apart? Is it really truly worth it?