No no no no no

Why does everything always happen all at once? Why do all the bad things in our life seem to hit at the same time, so something small, that might not have bothered you very much any other day can send you bawling, just because all of the other sadness and frustration you have built up. I hate it so much. I was having a bad day. I really bad day. I was upset about people and things that happened and things that didn't happen and things people said, and then, when I didn't think things could get any worse, my best friend betrayed me. Well, it seemed like she did at the time, and yes, I cried all the way home. I sobbed and hiccupped, and had makeup smeared all the way down my face, and then I sat in my car for about ten minutes, because I feared my hysterics would wake up everyone in my house if I went inside. Then I cried all the next day. Everytime I thought of my best friend, or any of the other things that happened, I cried. I cried because I remembered how upset I was. I cried because of how bad it all seemed, I cried because there didn't seem to be a solution to any of it. But then I found my solution.

Step one. Take a deep breath
Step two. STOP CRYING!
Step three. Think about it logically
Step four. Decide if its worth being angry over
Step five. Treat the wound - apologize. Talk it out.

And it worked! Well almost. You see, when I got mad at my bestfriend, I accused her of lying to me, and told her I didn't believe her and I didn't want to talk to her. Two hours later when I was finally done sniffling, I realized that what she said really did make sense, and she probably wasn't lying at all. Being unwilling to accept that it was the truth however, I told her I didn't know if I believed her, but what she did really hurt me. And she apologized. I thought that things would resume their normal happy perfect sense with us. But the next night, I found out I was wrong.

She barely spoke to me the entire ten hours we hung out. (to be fair, four of those hours were sleeping.) But still. In the last six months, I have not ONCE felt like a third wheel. It was my bestfriend and I who made others feel like a third wheel because of our closeness and ability to laugh and make an inside joke out of everything. But last night, i was the outsider. She couldn't stop laughing with her other friend, she kept bringing up funny things that happened to them. That was me three days ago. But not anymore.

And this why, I believe, I am losing my best friend.
And as stupid as it is, I may just cry again.

It doesn't makes sense

That I am so stupid. Honestly. I push away the true friends I have because they get too high maintenance. Really? I'm such a jerk. If I knew me, I wouldn't want to be friends with me.

That works!

So I already talked about that decision I made that I didn't know how it would turn out. Well, it definitely didn't turn out the way I expected it to. Not at all. It was very very close to working out perfectly but then of course something went wrong at the last minute so none of it worked out at all. Then someone else made the whole thing very complicated to where I was just plain annoyed. So as I vented to someone else about it, something completely different happened that was equally if not more (actually definitely more) advantageous.
It is funny how cause and effect works. The result of one thing can throw something else into something you completely don't expect! I think I enjoy the unexpected more than the expected now. I mean, why spend all of your time trying to arrange things to happen when surprises are so much better? I think it is time for me to reevaluate myself and possibly get rid of some of my obsessive everything has to be in order at the right time in place disorder. Is there a shorter name for that?

Wish I knew the future

But of course, I don't. I think it is funny how I find my mind working. I want one thing, so I do something completely not even close to that thing that I think will eventually get me back to the thing I want. If everything works out the way it is supposed to. BIG if. But the thing is, I plan out everything! I can be an impulsive person at times, but generally, I know exactly when and where and why and how I am going to do something. So when I come up with some genius plan to somehow get me closer to what I want, I go for it, with an idea in my head of exactly how things will go.
Now for once, I am thinking ahead of time of the consequences. And actually writing them down instead of just pushing them out of my head, only for them to return and say "I told you so!" Bad things could come from this. I could lose a friend. More than one. I could regret it. I could think I was stupid. I could once again find myself asking myself why I do the things I do. But than again, I could also feel really great about what I did. I could not regret it at all. It could work out the way I want it to. I could come out of it unscathed. I feel like this time, the chances are truly 50/50.
I know, in the past, I have done these things and complained and whined and groaned about how dumb I am, and here I am again, doing something i am iffy about. But this one is different. haha, classic line! But really. A lot of the factors are much different, and much more in my favor. So I actually feel pretty good about this. I'm confident things will be okay, and if something goes wrong, I doubt it will cause any terrible lasting effect!

You know what I hate...

I hate decisions. I hate stupid decisions. And I hate when I'm the one who makes them. Why do I keep setting myself up for disappointment?! I am so dang stupid. Time after time, I KNOW what the outcome is going to be, and yet, I just keep thinking that maybe this time things will be different. Maybe this person will say this and surprise me. Maybe this will happen. Maybe...but probably not. And it never goes the way I would like it to. And I know that it won't!!! And yet, I keep doing it again and again. Will this be the last time I do this? Probably not.
And I think about it all the time. How frustrating. How are you supposed to avoid something that you think about practically 24/7? You would think that sleeping would help, but unfortunately, my sleeping has been altered because I CAN'T sleep. Do you know why? Guess. Yep. Because I'm thinking about it. And when I do fall asleep, as soon as I wake up, I think about it. Truly. First thing I think of when I wake up is stupid decisions. What a great way to start and end every single day.
I would go to bed, but what is the point? I'll lay awake for an hour thinking and wishing and regretting.

I have decided

I am going to write a book. Trust me. This isn't the first time I have decided this, and I don't really expect it to end better than all the other times, but hey, at least i'm trying right? Anyways. I got inspired by my best friend and basically the rest of the world. Everyone knows about 2012. I personally don't believe the world is going to end, but a lot of people do. And she was saying that if she really thought the world was going to end then she would go ahead and buy the car she really wants because the world would end before she paid the whole thing off.
And then she said "and if the world didn't end, I would just shoot myself." and then i said "That is such a good idea!!" So of course she and her sister thought I meant that shooting yourself was a good idea. I am not a morbid person! But it inspired me to write a book based on a person who decided to just live it up a year and then kill her/himself at the end. I'm sure I won't ever really write the whole thing, but I like getting ideas!
So maybe I should start. That's always my problem. I just don't know where to start. but I am going to figure it out.

Yes!

Today, I made my own decisions. Not that I don't usually, but I think my problem in the past has been I've been making decisions because of things I hear, things I've seen in movies, or read in books. Well, my life doesn't ever work out the way those do, and I don't need to live like that. Yesterday, I did something irrational and stupid. It made me lose one of my best friends. First, I was fine with it. Two hours later, I realized I was a real dummy. I thought about it, and decided I should wait about a month before approaching that person again. Give it time to settle, and so that they wouldn't think I was desperate.
Then, a few hours later, I realized that was practically the most idiotic notion I've ever had. Why, if I was already unhappy, would I let it go a month before I decided to finally say how I really felt? So after sleeping on it, I decided to just go for it. So, since I wasn't ever able to talk to them in person, and not being able to wait any long, I sent a five text message long explanation of how I felt. How I had realized I was being stupid, and how I wanted things to go back to the way they were.
My friend was completely understanding. There was no need to go into any specifics on what the issue was and they didn't question me at all about why I had changed. They just believed me. And that is how I know this person is a great friend that I hope to have in my life a long time. Because a good friend is always ready to take you back. And they don't need a month.
I'm just really happy that I just said what I needed to say. It makes me happy that I know I have the ability to speak, even when I'm afraid of the outcome. I don't need anyone's approval, and I don't always need to know what is going to happen because of what I say or do. It wasn't exactly an impulsive thing. More of a planned impulse I suppose. And it was oh so worth it.

I need a map

Because I am lost. So very very lost. My decision making skills seem to have completely abandoned me, leaving me with nothing. Of course, decisions still come my way, whether my brain is working or not, so needless to say, I haven't been making the best choices lately. So now, as I'm trying to sort out my life and fall asleep at the same time, I find myself thinking back on all the things that have happened recently. So much.
I'm in a fight with one of my best friends. For some reason, I'm not talking to another. One asked me for advice, and needless to say, its not really the best time for that. I have felt empty recently. Like for some reason I CANT be happy. I don't know why. I realized that I needed to seek some help from God, and I've really been trying, but I find myself feeling that that is hopeless too. Now I don't even feel like I am making sense.
I don't know what I need or what will help. I certainly can't trust myself to think of a solution. Who knows what I would end up with! But I am just going to try to live each day with an open mind. Try to let my smile be real and not fake. Let simple things make me happy. Maybe I'm looking too hard for happiness.

It's not a pity party!!!

I have this issue. I wouldn't call myself the type of person who complains a lot, but I do feel the need to tell someone my problems when I have them. I don't think I need to tell everyone I see about all the issues in my life, but I do like to be able to vent and get it all out. The problem is, I don't want the person who is listening to my problems think that I am just throwing a pity party. I'm not looking for pity, I swear! I just need someone to listen! Even pretending to listen generally works! An occasional uhuh, and yep, i understand is okay with me! I just like to be able to get out my thoughts and feelings without talking to myself and coming out sounding insane!
So how do I talk about my problems without seeming like I am searching for sympathy and pity? I just don't know. Maybe it is something I will have to perfect. But in theory, that would mean that I would have to have a lot of problems to talk about, which doesn't really sound all that appealing. Hmmm... I just don't want to have to keep all my feelings bottled up. That is how people end up getting really upset and doing irrational things. And I definitely don't want to be that person!

Ouch.

I know that nearly everyone has that moment in their life when they step back and realize that they need God in their life. I personally have had that happen more than once, but this time, it hit me hard. And all at once. All it took was one friend tell me that they shouldn't be bothering me with their problems because I have enough of my own. It was then that I saw that I've been slipping. I hit a few (alot) of bumps in the road and it seemed like they all appeared at once. And I fell. I tripped and stumbled over all of them, and I didn't even bother try to find someone to help me through. So what happened?
I detached myself from everything else
Today, I know for a fact I said that I hated my life at least 20 times
I started being rude to my family
I lost hope that things would get better
I stopped being there for my friends
I started not caring about things that were important
I thought everything was about me
I didn't think I needed any help
I didn't want to make it through
I wanted to stay on the ground where I was and feel sorry for myself
But just now, five minutes ago, I realized this is wrong
What was I thinking?
I need forgiveness.
I need mercy.
I need help.
I need strength.
I need hope.
I need God.
Thats it.
I just need God.
How could I ever actually think I could do this by myself? I have been so neglectful to everything! Sure, I have been smiling and being nice when absolutely necessary, but it's been a lie! I don't want to have to fake a good attitude. I want to be genuine. And the only way I can get there is if I have God to help me. I'm so sick of thinking I am the only one with problems. Of course I'm not. EVERYONE has problems, and mine are so small! For some crazy reason though, God still cares, and I know that. I can't believe it took me so long to figure this out.
Spite isn't going to help
Revenge isn't going to help
Feeling sorry for myself isn't going to help
Acting like I don't care isn't going to help
God is going to help.
And I know that now.
I think tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Because instead of feeling alone, i am going to feel safe.
And I am going to be a better friend than I have been.
I'm going to be a better daughter, and a better sister
I'm going to stop saying I hate my life.
Because I don't.
I just thought I did.
When really, I just hated the way I was choosing to live it.

Finally!

I know I shouldn't be so pleased. I know I should be feeling disappointed. I know I should be ashamed of myself. But I'm not. I'm proud! I FINALLY got away from all the expectations that people have set from me. Well, maybe not all of them, but I at least tore away from one. My parents of course assume I am a genius and can handle all the hard classes because my sister did. Well I can't. Well I could, but as previously mentioned, I honestly don't want to push myself that hard. So I did it! I dropped my Honors class! Why this is so amazing? It is hard to explain. I am used to living my life according to what people want me to do. I made myself who people thought I was. But I am NOT that person! And even though I am moving down, I don't care. I am not walking that perfect line that everyone wants me to! I am making a decision for myself! Sure, my parents have to sign the paper saying it is okay for my to move to the average class instead of the smart kids class, but still, I decided to! I made that step! I was brave enough to face my parents and tell them that I CAN'T do everything they expect me to.
And they were okay with it.
They weren't mad
They weren't judgemental
They didn't even put up a fight
They accepted it
Like I think I always knew they would
But I was afraid to find out for sure
And now I did
And no, this doesn't mean i am going to start slacking to see how far I can push this whole acceptance thing. I am not going to stop trying my best. I am still going to strive for good grades, but I will be getting those good grades in a class I am comfortable in. A class that I don't feel will leave me stressed every day. You know why?
Because i DON'T have to go to a fancy college
I DON'T have to be just like my sister
I DON'T have to live by anyone's standards but my own
And today, for the first time, I proved that to myself.

Boy am I stupid.

• What the heck was I thinking? How dumb could I be? Did I really honestly think that something like that would ever actually work out? How many obvious things could there be to show me what a bad decision I was making? How is it possible that I ignored every single one of them? Because I was selfish! And then my freaking selfishness back fired because of course all the signs that said it was a bad idea were right. And everything came crashing down at once and now I'm upset but there is nothing I can do about it and no one I can talk to about it because even my friends said it was a bad idea. And I didn't listen. Because I was too hung up on what I wanted. I wanted the unattainable and I got it, even though it was still unattainable, really it was just rented. Then the unattainable went back to being 100 percent unattainable and the whole situation just sucks. It sucks I tell you. I hate it. I hate everything.
  

Once Again

Nothing Again.

But what kind of writer would I be if I skipped a day?

I was walking down a beaten path
It was dirty, dusty and dry
It seemed to groan with my every step
Like a too often used sigh
My foot was struck by a rock
And it immediately brought to mind
A day that wasn't good to me
But not the only of it's kind
It was that of a yesterday
And a terrible one at that
Just like the rock below me
It was ugly, deserted and flat
Then another thing caught my eye
A crinkled leaf lie there
When stepped upon it crumbled
But it didn't seem to care
I thought of the present day
Just there, not alive
And just like the crumbled leaf
It lay with now chance to strive
But suddenly out of no where
A little bloom peeked out
I could almost see it smile
It was open and free of doubt
So with that image in my mind
I gave yesterday a powerful kick
It flew down the path far away
It was gone just like that, so quick
A little breeze picked up
And today's pieces suddenly lifted
They didn't put up a fight
and the away the leaf slowly drifted
So then I continued my walk
Forgetting yesterday and today's sorrow
And just like my little flower
I had the hope of a better tomorrow

So close, yet so far

Boy am I annoyed. Or perhaps frustrated. Exhausted? Sick of trying? All of the above. I now understand what people mean when they say long distance relationships are hard. Only I am just trying to keep up a friendship. Two actually. Here is story number one:
My friend moved to Colorado. That was that. At first, my friend (who lives in Kingman) agreed that we really needed to be there for her when she first moved but after that we would probably slowly let go. That worked out fine for my friend, the two of them barely speak anymore. Me? Not so much. I'm still friends with her. Practically everyday is a struggle though. Whenever I call, I automatically have to endure at least fifteen minutes of her talking about her "Colorado friends" and what she and her "Colorado Best Friend" did and all the things that make her happy she lives in Colorado. When she is done, you would expect that next would come my turn to tell my stories, but no. Talking about where I live is completely against the rules. That makes her too homesick. That makes her sad, and mad at me for bringing it up. So then I get angry, because why should I have to listen to her go on? So I'm still friends with her, but sometimes, I wish I wasn't. I think it would be easier not to go through the constant fighting and making up. But then, I know I would miss her if I let go. Time for story number two.
My best friend and I have been friends for two years, but on multiple occasions I have felt that she wasn't really the best friend to have. Not in a "you do drugs I probably shouldn't hang around you" way, but more in a "why can't you be more loyal and there for me" way. Problem is, when I get mad at her, she normally doesn't even know it. I can't talk to her about it because she just doesn't get it. She never understands why I would be mad, and always has some story to back herself up. Whether her stories are the truth or not, I know I will never know. And we will go days and days without talking. I will assume she was busy and that is why she didn't make any effort to contact me when I tried hard to get ahold of her. (that is impossible now however being as her phone is cut off and her cell phone is lost). But then I hear about all the things she did with people who are barely even her friends. And I wonder, why couldn't she have called me? Am I being obsessive? I don't really think so. Were supposed to be best friends.
So sometimes I just realize that it is almost harder to stay friends with the person who lives in the same town as me than it is to stay close to the friend who lives in Colorado. I mean, she is so close, but I feel as though she is drifting away from ME. And my Colorado girl, she is so far away, but I know that if I need her she is only a phone call away and would always understand me and listen to me. Even if she was mad, she would forget about it and be there for me. I just don't know if I can count on that in my in town friend.

Trust Me

Why is trust so hard to earn yet so easy to lose? I don't really have a problem in this area but sometimes I wonder what would happen if I did. Honestly, I've never done anything that would constitute for my parents to stop trusting me. I tell them what I am up to, where I am, and who I am hanging out with. And I don't lie about it. Because I don't feel like I have to. They trust me, so they let me do basically whatever I want within reason. They are super reasonable about letting me stay out later than my already arranged curfew, all I have to do is ask. And I love it. But then, I also wonder what would happen if just once I did something wrong.
Would they flip out? Would one act against my better judgment cause them to lose their trust for me altogether? Would it depend on the size of the offense? What if it was something small like staying later where I was and not calling to make sure it was okay because I knew they were sleeping and wouldn't know the difference? Would they be really angry if they did find out? Even it I was truly just where I said I was only past when I was supposed to be home? I feel like that wouldn't be too big of a deal but they would still be disappointed in me.
But what if it was something huge? Like my friend and I took my car and went somewhere after they were asleep? What if they woke up and found my car and us gone? I'm pretty sure I would be in trouble for forever and they would never let me do anything ever again. Or at least for a very long time. They would probably take away privileges and anything else they could think of. But really, is that anywhere close to fair?
I understand that trust isn't one of those things that you build up and each time you do something wrong you lose a little but still have some. Nope, one thing and it is all gone. Or maybe that is just in the case of good kids. Kids that their parents aren't used to having to punish. I wonder if I was the kind of child who disobeyed them all the time and did stuff behind their backs all the time, if they would be more used to it, and I would be given more than one chance.
Luckily, I really don't have to do more than just ponder about this issue. I'm glad to have built up the trust with my parents that they let me do what I want. I cannot say how much I value that. I don't plan on blowing that kind of novelty any time soon, but I just can't help but think, what would happen if I did?

Just a little something

No thoughts today. Just a little poem I wrote

So I Stood Between Two Bridges

So I stood between two bridges
Both too long to see the end
One was beautiful and perfect
The other welcomed me as a friend
But upon closer inspection of both
Neither was what it seemed
Yet both appeared to hold parts
Of all I'd ever dreamed
One was gorgeous as stated
Or maybe too good to be true
It didn't present challenge
Nor did it present anything new
The other was familiar and friendly
Though I saw the possibility of pain
I felt as though by the end
Something good would be gained
But the other was so easy
Simplicity has its appeal
The other held things I dreaded
Feelings I didn't want to feel
Which way to go Which things to face
Which path was the right to choose?
I felt there was no easy way out
No walk that held nothing to lose
Wait, what if I didn't choose?
Was that a possible way?
I could continue my journey onward
The effects were impossible say
So I stood between two bridges
But this time I saw another track
I took a step forward, then another
No regrets, and no looking back

Judges and Grudges

I have recently come to the realization that I am a hypocrite. I hate to say it, but it is true. Two things I cannot stand at all. Judges and grudges. Two things I am terrible about. Judging people and holding grudges against people. How did I go so long without realizing how double standard that is?
I'm not going to lie. I met someone a really long time ago and did not like her. But we were both immature and stupid. I judged her based on things she said and did that annoyed me, and decided i despised her. Then she came to my school and still holding on the those judgments, I refused to be her friend. I know. It's terrible. Anyways, since no one really liked her in the one year she attended our school, she didn't come back the next year, so i didn't see her much. When I saw her at youth every now and then I just tried to avoid her as much as possible.
Once though, she approached me and said she wanted to start over. She wanted to forget the past and be my friend. Problem was, I didn't really want to be her friend. But I was willing to forgive her, and apologize for my wrong doing. So that was that and the past was the past. The next week when I saw her she came up and was being all buddy buddy with me. I smiled and acted nice, but in my head I was asking myself why the heck she was acting like she was my best friend. Oh right. Because she actually did forget what happened. She let go of her judgments and if she was holding any grudges, she got rid of them. But I hadn't.
She stopped coming to youth every week and I really didn't see her much at all anymore. So i gradually forgot about all that had gone on between us. Then, recently, she was in the same play as me. From the second she walked in I was annoyed with her. Her voice annoyed me, her mannerism annoyed me, the fact that she got the part i wanted annoyed me. But when I was talking about it to someone, I stated that I couldn't really pin point what was wrong with her. But now I know.
Even though I can't even remember why I used to dislike her so much, somewhere in my heart and brain, I still do. I still judge everything she does based on how immature we were when we first met. But that is so unfair and I know it. People change and grow up. That I am positive of. Because the mother of one of my friends actually dislikes me for something I did years ago. She stated once to her daughter that she didn't want to have someone that she didn't even like in her home. That someone was me. And it made me feel absolutely terrible. So then, how terrible must it make this girl feel when I am constantly cold towards her and rude when she has put in every effort to make things right?
I want to be nicer to her. And I am going to work on it. I am going to pray and ask God to help me find a way to dig deep and forgive and forget everything. Because she doesn't deserve to be treated that way and I know it. And there is nothing worse than knowing your hurting someone for no reason and continuing to do it.

Money Money Money

I find myself wondering why I worry so much about what other people are doing. And I wonder why it matters so much to me how they spend their money. First of all, I know it is none of my business, and second of all, I'm sure I have better things to worry about! Money management is something that is very important to me. I have been taught the values of saving my money and earning what I get. I also understand that not everyone has this quality. Like one of my close friends for instance.
She is a spender. Boy is she is a spender. She got a check from work for 280 dollars and within three hours had spend over a hundred of it. One day later, she was down to twenty. It would have been fourty but I made her stow away twenty in her car for when she needed gas because I knew otherwise she would spend it! It bothers me to such an incredible amount that I actually get angry and sometimes yell at her.
The thing is, she doesn't spend it all on herself. She bought me a pedicure (which no matter how much she says I don't have to, I am GOING to pay her back) She bought her mom three shirts, she bought some of her coworkers Powerades and brought them to her work. She got her stepdad a cold drink because he was outside in the sun working. She probably spend over fifty percent of her money on other people. And she loves it.
So then I wonder, am I a bad person because I save up my money for things I want in the future instead of spending it today on things for other people? Is it wrong that I don't particularly want to buy people things? And, am I an incredibly horrible human being from discouraging her to do this? Well I know the answer to my last question. Yes.
It is not my problem how she chooses to spend her money. It is not my businesses who she wants to give it to. And yet, I can't help but clench my teeth a little. I can't stop myself from giving her a disapproving look, and I can't keep the thought that she is blowing all of her money pointlessly way to fast out of my mind. I should consider her to be a very special person. I mean, how great is it that she has such a giving spirit? I should respect the way she spends her money, not scowl about it!
I could try to do the same thing, but honestly, I don't want to. I want to not spend more than a few dollars here and there, and I want to save up my money. I want to pay people back for things and I expect to be paid back. It is amazing how controversial money can be. I have to not let it get in the way of my life though. I will deal with it how I want, and I am going to try my best to not care about how others choose to deal with it.

Stop assuming.

I am so sick of people assuming things. Like my mother. She tells me that I am bored in school, and I need to challenge myself. How does SHE know? I think the problem is that everyone thinks they can "safely assume" things. Why would they think that? You don't have any reason to safely assume that I am bored in school. Sure, some subjects are easy for me, because I enjoy them. History? The material may be boring but I'm sure not bored out of lack of something to do! Science? Completely interesting! And incredibly hard for me to understand! I'm not bored in that class! Math sure isn't boring! I have to pay close attention to get the grades I do. Sure, English is easy, and I could use a challenge there. But just because I get good grades doesn't mean I don't try.
I don't expect to be congratulated for every good grade I get, but I don't want it to be expected of me. I don't want everyone to assume that school is easy for me and I'm a genius. Because I'm not. I work hard for the grades I get. I don't just slide by and get As. I try for them. I do all the extra credit. I pay attention in class. Put me in harder classes, yeah, I will work harder because I will have to. Am I capable of getting the same grades? Honestly, I don't know. It sucks when you realize you aren't as smart as everyone thinks you are. It also sucks when nobody understands. Maybe, if people looked at other factors other than the grades on the paper. I just wish they looked past the As and saw the work behind them.
I don't want to get good grades and my parents say, well of course you did. I don't want to get a 100 on a hard test and my friends say, I'm not surprised. I don't want you to care about the grade, I want you to care about how hard I worked to get it. They just assume that you're great, and it is so unfair. Stop assuming! Because eventually I'm going to surprise you. You're not going to like it either. Just wait till I come home because I failed a test because I didn't have time to study. And when I tell you that, maybe you will realize that it all doesn't come as easily to me as you think.

Perfection

Is it right to strive for perfection? I've recently been wondering if it is actually pointless to reach for what you know is unattainable. We hear all the time how nobody is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. Why then, do we do everything in our power to be perfect? I understand the need to try to improve yourself and do your best, but is there ever a time where it is okay to just sit back and be happy? Would life be more enjoyable if you were just content with yourself for a while? Is it okay to 'take a break' from being the best you can be? I'm not saying you should slack off, but everyone knows where they are comfortable and how far they go before pushing themselves off the edge. Should we always be trying to make that line further and further?
We all have our strong points in school and specific talents. Is it acceptable to just focus on one of them? What if I want to really focus on history, and I'm no good at science? Is it okay for me to put all of my efforts toward history, and possibly slip a bit in science? Or do you have to be smart enough to know how much you devote to one subject without falling behind in another? And what if you don't want to excel as far ahead as others may expect you to? Like taking AP classes as apposed to regular classes. You may be perfectly comfortable in the regular class. It may even be a bit easy for you. Is it okay to rest and take that? Or do you have to push yourself? What if you know you could achieve good grades in the higher classes but you don't want to work that hard? Would that be considered lazy? Or would you just be taking a break?
I don't believe perfect is something I will ever be. I know I won't ever be close to it. Sometimes I wonder if it is actually worth it to try to be.

Is It Worth It?

Where does telling someone something go from simply telling someone something to gossiping? When it turns into a conversation not about yourself? When opinions and speculations are added to the facts? When does it become backstabbing? When you start telling more than you were technically supposed to? Do technicalities count when it comes to friends? Does friend closeness come into play when you are determining whether you can tell someone something or not? Are you required to put yourself in the shoes of the one who's secret you are blowing? Is it okay to assume that since they told you and told you not to tell that you can tell someone else as long as they don't tell? What if you ARE the one who originally told the secret? Who do you get mad at? The one who is first in line? Are you at right to be angry with everyone else who knows? Is it your own fault for trusting someone with your business that had no business knowing your business? Is it wrong to trust this person with another secret? Or is it wrong not to give them a second chance? When do second chances end? After all, three times a charm, why do people only get two chances? Is it right to expect a second chance? It is okay to be upset if you aren't given one? Or is it what you deserve? Does it depend on the severity of the reason your first chance was ruined?

Is doing the easier thing sometimes better than doing the right thing when it comes to your own personal life? What if you have a friend who you know talks about you behind your back and you know don't treat you the way you should? What if deep down you know you should confront them but you also want to be their friend? Or are you just afraid of the conflict that could arise with the confrontation? Is this putting the simpler things before your own self worth? Is that something that you should be compromised? Shouldn't you be doing everything to preserve your self worth and making sure you don't lose sight of it? Or is this and instance where you have to remind yourself that it isn't all about you? Is it about you though? Are you responsible for protecting yourself? Can you expect anyone else to? Would you want them to if they could? Or would you think they were just getting too involved in your life. In the end you are responsible for yourself right? No prince charming is going to come protect you right? What if your prince charming is the one who puts you down? Is this something that can be fixed? Are they really your prince charming? Are they worth it?

Is that always the end question? Are they worth it? Is that worth it? Is it worth telling my friend this secret if it ends up getting me in trouble with another friend? Is it worth staying this person's friend even though I know when I turn around they are my worst enemy? Is it worth holding onto even though I know in any moment It could fall apart? Is it really truly worth it?