Well.

I didn't mean to hurt you. I have nothing else I can really say. I never meant to make you sad, or make you want to go back in time and change things. I've turned myself into a regret, and no one wants that. How would you feel if someone told you, you were one of their biggest regrets? You would probably feel like shit. Thats how I feel right now. I wish I had felt like that back then. I wish I had had enough sense to think into the future and realize I would hate myself eventually.
You were such a good person. And seeing how sad you are now, I hate to think that i'm even capable of doing that much hurt to someone. From now on, I will make myself the vulnerable one in a relationship. Because if i'm not, then I will hate the power I have and I will crush whoever i'm with. Just like I did to you. I'm sorry. I don't have anything else worth saying. Other than that i know you will never read this, and even if you did, it wouldn't change anything. But somehow, getting it out, makes things a little bit better. I swear. I didn't mean to hurt you. Not ever.

Better late than never

I can't believe how long it has been since I bothered writing something on here! In fact, it's been a while since I've written anything at all. Somedays, when I sit down and try to write a poem or song and nothing comes, I worry I've lost my gift. I'm not sure if I will ever be the writer I once was, but I still believe I have the potential to be great, just like everyone else :)
Perseverance is such a beautiful thing these days. With the world the way it is, everyone wants something, and its hard to get it. Yet, those who keep their eye on their goal, and keep trying, through prayer and hard work, are the ones who will be the most successful. To think that you can accomplish anything by sitting around and whining and wishing is a foolish foolish thing. I only wish more people were able to realize that. I hate when I hear people fussing about how life is, yet they do absolutely nothing to change it. How disgusting. If you have problems, fix them. As Jason Mraz once said
"If its a broken part replace it
If its a broken arm then brace it
If its a broken heart then face it"
Wise wise words.

I've never liked children. I have a lot of nieces, and sisters, and I love them all dearly, but I've never really liked other people's children. At work, I am always nice and sweet to the little kids, but something about them just makes me cringe inside. However, this weekend, I got the liberty of caring for my newborn baby niece. Her name is Grace. She is one of the most darling babies I've ever met, which I know, is said about every single baby.
When I held her, and fed her, then she fell asleep snuggled against my shoulder I couldn't help but think, maybe kids aren't all so bad. I think this can be applied to nearly everything in life. All it takes is that one little moment to make you wake up and realize, hey, maybe things aren't so bad. There's a little beauty in everything in life. Whether it be a small child, or a pleasant rainstorm.
I love life, and I am learning to love it more everyday.

A change

Oh my. Things have changed so much since I last posted something on here, I barely remember who I was back then. To be quite honest, life has straightened itself out. Sure, there have been some pretty bad days, but then, what would life be without those?
My best friend and I have worked everything out. Nothing is ever awkward or sad. I love every moment with her. I spend almost all my free time with her, since she doesn't go to my school anymore, and we both work. Luckily, we now have the same job! I LOVE hanging out with her. I feel so at home and comfortable around her. There's no judgement, or lies. Just friendship. And it is a positively beautiful thing.
I have also made new friends. I realized I was a mean, unwelcoming person. So I changed. I smiled more, laughed more, and hates less. And it has really been working out for me! During my time of some being so close to my best friend that I didn't want any other friends, and my time of being so far away i didn't want anyone at all, I forgot about everyone else. I forgot about all my other friends who have been so good to me through the years. So I changed.
People like me more now. People talk to me more now. I enjoy people's company now. I realized what a great friend someone was, and now, I consider him to be my absolute closest friend, other than my best friend of course. Today, was one of those bad days though. And I didn't talk to him all day. I avoided him, and I made a point to ignore him and talk to other people when he was around. Do you know how he reacted? He asked for forgiveness and brought me a bag of Skittles. Yet, being the stubborn person I am, I refused to budge. Now i realize, my day was probably so terrible BECAUSE I wasn't talking to him. He makes me laugh and see the good things in life. when you take that out of the equation of the day, you are really left with nothing!
So tomorrow, it will be my turn to apologize. Because I realize, pushing people away is never the answer. I need to focus on letting people into my life, and not being scared to allow them to stay there. Life is good. And I should share it with others :)

No no no no no

Why does everything always happen all at once? Why do all the bad things in our life seem to hit at the same time, so something small, that might not have bothered you very much any other day can send you bawling, just because all of the other sadness and frustration you have built up. I hate it so much. I was having a bad day. I really bad day. I was upset about people and things that happened and things that didn't happen and things people said, and then, when I didn't think things could get any worse, my best friend betrayed me. Well, it seemed like she did at the time, and yes, I cried all the way home. I sobbed and hiccupped, and had makeup smeared all the way down my face, and then I sat in my car for about ten minutes, because I feared my hysterics would wake up everyone in my house if I went inside. Then I cried all the next day. Everytime I thought of my best friend, or any of the other things that happened, I cried. I cried because I remembered how upset I was. I cried because of how bad it all seemed, I cried because there didn't seem to be a solution to any of it. But then I found my solution.

Step one. Take a deep breath
Step two. STOP CRYING!
Step three. Think about it logically
Step four. Decide if its worth being angry over
Step five. Treat the wound - apologize. Talk it out.

And it worked! Well almost. You see, when I got mad at my bestfriend, I accused her of lying to me, and told her I didn't believe her and I didn't want to talk to her. Two hours later when I was finally done sniffling, I realized that what she said really did make sense, and she probably wasn't lying at all. Being unwilling to accept that it was the truth however, I told her I didn't know if I believed her, but what she did really hurt me. And she apologized. I thought that things would resume their normal happy perfect sense with us. But the next night, I found out I was wrong.

She barely spoke to me the entire ten hours we hung out. (to be fair, four of those hours were sleeping.) But still. In the last six months, I have not ONCE felt like a third wheel. It was my bestfriend and I who made others feel like a third wheel because of our closeness and ability to laugh and make an inside joke out of everything. But last night, i was the outsider. She couldn't stop laughing with her other friend, she kept bringing up funny things that happened to them. That was me three days ago. But not anymore.

And this why, I believe, I am losing my best friend.
And as stupid as it is, I may just cry again.

It doesn't makes sense

That I am so stupid. Honestly. I push away the true friends I have because they get too high maintenance. Really? I'm such a jerk. If I knew me, I wouldn't want to be friends with me.

That works!

So I already talked about that decision I made that I didn't know how it would turn out. Well, it definitely didn't turn out the way I expected it to. Not at all. It was very very close to working out perfectly but then of course something went wrong at the last minute so none of it worked out at all. Then someone else made the whole thing very complicated to where I was just plain annoyed. So as I vented to someone else about it, something completely different happened that was equally if not more (actually definitely more) advantageous.
It is funny how cause and effect works. The result of one thing can throw something else into something you completely don't expect! I think I enjoy the unexpected more than the expected now. I mean, why spend all of your time trying to arrange things to happen when surprises are so much better? I think it is time for me to reevaluate myself and possibly get rid of some of my obsessive everything has to be in order at the right time in place disorder. Is there a shorter name for that?

Wish I knew the future

But of course, I don't. I think it is funny how I find my mind working. I want one thing, so I do something completely not even close to that thing that I think will eventually get me back to the thing I want. If everything works out the way it is supposed to. BIG if. But the thing is, I plan out everything! I can be an impulsive person at times, but generally, I know exactly when and where and why and how I am going to do something. So when I come up with some genius plan to somehow get me closer to what I want, I go for it, with an idea in my head of exactly how things will go.
Now for once, I am thinking ahead of time of the consequences. And actually writing them down instead of just pushing them out of my head, only for them to return and say "I told you so!" Bad things could come from this. I could lose a friend. More than one. I could regret it. I could think I was stupid. I could once again find myself asking myself why I do the things I do. But than again, I could also feel really great about what I did. I could not regret it at all. It could work out the way I want it to. I could come out of it unscathed. I feel like this time, the chances are truly 50/50.
I know, in the past, I have done these things and complained and whined and groaned about how dumb I am, and here I am again, doing something i am iffy about. But this one is different. haha, classic line! But really. A lot of the factors are much different, and much more in my favor. So I actually feel pretty good about this. I'm confident things will be okay, and if something goes wrong, I doubt it will cause any terrible lasting effect!